32 SUSPENDED SENTENCES

1. CELIBACY CAN BE CURED IN LESS THAN THIRTY-SEVEN SECONDS.
2. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING ACQUITTED AND BEING INNOCENT.
3. A PRINTOUT OF MY BODY SCAN WILL APPEAR AS A CENTERFOLD IN NEXT FEBRUARY'S PLAYGIRL AND NEXT MAY'S POPULAR MECHANICS.
4. I AM THE GRIN REAPER.
5. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WANT TO SMELL LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE: EAU DE CLONE.
6. PITY THE POOR ADULTERER WHOSE AFFAIR IS AS DEPRESSING AS HIS MARRIAGE.
7. HARRIET TELLS ME SHE IS PREGNANT AND HOPES IT ISN'T BY ANYBODY SHE KNOWS.
8. CONFESSION OF A HUNTER AFTER KILLING AN ILLEGAL DEER: BLESS ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SKINNED.
9. ANY REQUIREMENT THAT UNIVERSITY STUDENTS LEARN ANYTHING WOULD BE A VIOLATION OF AT LEAST THREE CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENTS.
10. BE KIND EVEN TO THOSE WHO MAKE YOU WISH ABORTIONS COULD BE RETROACTIVE.
11. WHY SHOULD GAYS BE SPARED THE ANGUISH OF MARRIAGE?
12. BEING A VICTIM DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE INNOCENT.
13. I KNOW A LOVELY YOUNG WHORE WHO WORKS ON A LARGE CIRCULAR REVOLVING BED AND CALLS HERSELF "LAZY SUSAN."
14. READING AN ARTICLE TITLED "FIXING YOUR BRAIN," I SUDDENLY REALIZED THAT SOME PEOPLE CALL IT "FIXING" WHEN YOU CUT A DOG' S BALLS OFF.
15. GLOBAL ARMING, GLOBAL WARMING, GLOBAL SWARMING.
16. THE OBJECTIVE OF A "BALANCED BUDGET" IS THE MAINTENANCE OF AN IMBALANCE BETWEEN WEALTH AND POVERTY THAT IS ACCEPTABLE TO THE RICH.
17. THE MAJOR FUNCTION OF COMPULSORY SCHOOLING HAS NEVER BEEN TO EDUCATE.
18. THINGS WE CAN BE REALLY PROUD OF THAT ARE NOT "MADE IN CHINA": OUR BOMBS.
19. THE GREATEST TRIBUTE TO OUR FLAG IS PAID BY THE MEXICANS WE KILL FOR WANTING TO LIVE UNDER IT.
20. IF YOU ARE SOBER, YOU HAVE MY SYMPATHY.
21. ISLAM NEEDS SAFE SECTS.
22. BEING A HYPOCRITE IS SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY TO KEEP FROM HURTING SOMEONE.
23. A VOW OF CHASTITY IS THE ULTIMATE OBSCENITY.
24. WE HAVE ALL BEEN SENTENCED TO LIFE.
25. HOLLYWOOD CAMPAIGN FUNDS: STARS' BUCKS.
26. WHEN I'M IN LOVE I'M A SEMI-MENTAL GUY.
27. YOU CANNOT "CONDEMN THE WAR BUT SUPPORT THE TROOPS": THE TROOPS ARE THE WAR.
28. CONGRESS MAY NOT BE VEGAN, BUT IT SURE HATES PORK CHOPS.
29. "ZERO TOLERANCE" MERITS A ZERO.
30. OLDER IS NOT WISER; AND THERE'S A DRIBBLE WHERE ONCE WAS A GEYSER.
31. TERROR FIRMA.
32. I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT SLICED PINEAPPLE AND SEX GO WELL TOGETHER, BUT I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY HOW.