PLANTS FOR DUMMIES

A SOUR NOTE:

Let me know if you have ever done anything dumber than this: I did once dwell in a large, sunny, luxurious condominium as the live-in lover of a wealthy widow who had thirty-seven potted plants scattered all over the place, in the living room, dining room, bedrooms, kitchen, bathroom and hallways. She spent most of her time taking care of them, watering, feeding, trimming, repotting, humming and mumbling to them. I believe each of them had a name. Well, she had to leave once for a few days to attend a relative's funeral. Now, I do not recall whether or not I was high or wired, but for some reason I decided to give each of them a delicious glass of milk, which I did conscientiously and lovingly. Well, three days later, given the curdled milk and the hot summer sun, the place stank, reeked ... When their caretaker returned, she almost passed out as she opened the door. She exploded into a volcanic rage with an awe-inspiring explosion of profanities and obscenities, some of which I had never heard before. She had to call in some professionals to deodorize the place. Some of the plants she saved by washing out their roots in the shower. Some she replaced ... as she quickly did me.