QUIPSLASH

1. TO THIS ALL LIFE IS TESTAMENT: LOVED FLESH IS THE ONLY SACRAMENT.
2. CONSIDER THE ANATOMICAL GROTESQUERIE OF A COUCH POTATO WHO IS ALSO AN ARMCHAIR GENERAL.
3. IN A HUNGRY WORLD THE USDA IS PAYING FARMERS TO DESTROY FRUIT TREES: PLUM CRAZY?
4. "GETTING STONED" IS A LOT EASIER ON WOMEN IN OUR CULTURE THAN UNDER ISLAM
5. TO BECOME LIKE THE ENEMY IS TO JUSTIFY THEIR FIGHT.
6. HOW DOES ALGEBRA CAUSE HALITOSIS?
7. CAN CONDOMS PREVENT FROSTBITE?
8. THERE ARE NO "UNTIMELY" DEATHS: WE ALL DIE AT THE END OF OUR LIVES.
9. TO KILL A VEGETARIAN VAMPIRE, ONE MUST DRIVE A FROZEN STEAK THROUGH ITS HEART.
10. WISDOM IS LIKE VASELINE (BUT I LOST THE REST OF THIS SENTENCE).
11. GREETING BETWEEN FRIENDLY FISHERMEN: "KISS MY BASS."
12. CYNTHIAJOY SAYS HER BODY HAS ALWAYS BEEN A "CELLULAR, DIGITAL ENTERTAINMENT CENTER."
13. A BAYONET CAN BE USED TO DIG A HOLE TO PLANT A ROSEBUSH IN.
14. I AM NOT ALWAYS COMMITTED TO TRUTH, BECAUSE IT IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST AVENUE TO TRUTHS
15. BUILDING CORPORATE AMERICA: IT TAKES A PILLAGE.
16. MY FAVORITE CURSE: "MAY YOUR WOMAN YAWN WHEN YOU'RE ATOP HER."
17. FOR EXISTENTIAL NAUSEA: PEPTO-ABYSMAL.
18. TV ADDICT WITH LOWER BACK PAIN: OUCH POTATO.
19. THE GREATER EVIL IS DONE, NOT BY FORBIDDEN THINGS, BUT BY THE FORBIDDING OF THINGS.
20. I TRY NOT TO SPEAK TO PEOPLE WHO TALK TO ME UNTIL THEY SAY SOMETHING.
21. THE ONLY THING THAT CAN END RELIGIOUS HOMICIDE AND SUICIDE: DEICIDE.
22. "BUT" IS PREFATORY TO MORE DISHONESTY THAN ANY OTHER WORD.
23. IF MY DEAFNESS BOTHERS YOU, TRY KEEPING YOUR MOUTH SHUT.